Category: D&D (Page 9 of 16)

March 18-20, Third Age 1331

March 18

Marcus Almost Becomes Mr. Jabbanana

When last we left our heroes, Marcus had been offered Chief Dugabungaloo’s daughter, Jabbanana. Now, all eyes are on Marcus as the tribe awaits his decision. Jabbanana’s enormous belly quivers in anticipation. Marcus kneels before the king of the island and delivers a speech that convinces the King that the greatest honor he could give Marcus is to learn more about the culture’s deities. The King is perplexed, but not offended. Jabbanana stomps off angry and insulted, but everyone else throws a luau for the heroes who dispatched the giant crocodiles that had been eating all the pearl divers.

Wanna Nana…Hubba, Hubba!

Wannamona

Jabbanana’s sister, the much-demeaned servant girl Wannamona , considered wretchedly ugly by her culture, is smokin’ hot in the heroes’ culture. Immediately Quintos bets Ghost he’ll “attune” to her first.

Ghost [protesting]: “But you’re already attuned to three women.”

Quintos [grinning]: “Hey. We’re on another plane.”

Meanwhile, Wannamona quietly warns Marcus that her sister Jabbanana is a dangerous foe.

Wannamona [in a fearful whisper]: “Jabbanana is at her most powerful after midnight.”

Marcus [in terrified disbelief]: “You mean she gets bigger?”

Marcus then invites Wannamona to escape with the heroes on the morrow. Afterwards, Marcus hears from the tribal elders about the legend of the two-headed eagle.

Leomund’s Tiny Hut

Ghost conjures his tiny hut (remember, it’s not the size of one’s hut…), and the intrepid adventurers take watches, anticipating an encounter with a hideous, lycanthropic Jabbanana. All the adventurers except one: Quintos, who spends the evening debauching himself with hot twins. (The horrifying howls of Quintos and the babes our heroes shall not soon forget.) But Jabbanana does not appear.

March 19

Human Trafficking…But in a Good Way

Wannamona approaches Marcus in the morning. She wants to run away with the heroes to get away from Jabbanana. Ghost Dancer turns Wanna invisible, and they smuggle her out to Kat’s Claw. They sail away toward the village by the famed giant wall—a 3-day journey. Marcus and Ghost Dancer keep Wannamona away from woman-stealing Quintos. They spend the hours “teaching her Common.” She’s a hot—er, smart—pupil.

Scry, Scry Again

Quintos scries Jabbanana. He sees her in an outrigger canoe with 4 warriors paddling in chase to get Wanna Nana back. Quintos tries to suggest something to her, but she detects his magic, stares into the scrying eye, and zaps Quintos, ending the scry and causing some damage to Quintos.

March 20

Kat’s Claw sails into a heavy mist. The ship slows. Lundie and Quintos’s Owl hear a woman crying for help. It sounds like the Mermaids who befriended the heroes a few days earlier! The adventurers hurry to rescue their topless, scaly friends, but alas, it is not the Mermaids, but Jabbanana! She has set a trap!

Hideous Jabbanana and her spider-beast friends attack. Jabbanana launches a wall of fire at the heroes, burning them—even Ghost who is flying 20 feet above the battle. From there, it’s a mayhem of swords and spells. Ivamel kindly absorbs much damage on behalf of the group. Lundie wields his holy hammer. Marcus does some crazy Roman stuff. Quintos makes out with Jabbanana. (Wait. Sorry. That didn’t happen.) Quintos rains his sorceries down upon Nana and the Spiders. The so-called Duke of Dorn, or “Dookie” as we call him, started singing David Bowie songs about spiders. Then he stealthily backstabbed an enemy before fooling Jabbanana into thinking that he was her father. The distraction was enough for the heroes’ combined powers to win the day and defeat the foul enemies.

Loot Report

No loot plundered or received.

March 17, Third Age 1331

March 17

Having safely navigated the unnatural vortex to the very mysteriously alien world that purportedly holds the Fountain of Immortal Life, party and crew have an encounter like something straight out of The Iliad.  Gloriously beautiful mermaids.  Well… If you’re into half fish women, they were gloriously beautiful.  But if that’s not your thing, dear reader, they were just some rather “fishy” women.

LanalakanaThese mermaids, who were especially friendly, much to the rejoicing of a particular first mate, seem to have been led by a redheaded one named Lanalakana.  After a brief but interesting dialogue with said mermaid a quest was given.  Or rather a difficult situation a nearby village was facing was mentioned and the party, being the heroic individuals they are, made it a quest.  And who could blame them.  If you had the chance to impress a beautiful redheaded water tart, wouldn’t you take it?  Just imagine the plethora of possibilities in that mutually beneficial relationship.  So off they set.

Now for your typical party of heroes arriving to save the day, in and of itself, is enough. But for this group… Well they prefer to do things in a much more grandiose fashion. I mean, was there a rowboat?  Yes.  But how boring would that have been?  Instead, like some kind of group of freaking Rockstar gods, they chose to disembark and walk across the surface of the ocean with thunderous booms echoing from each passing step. And it was extremely impressive. I’m talking slow motion walk, jaws dropping, and the whole nine yards,  Right up until a gigantic monster of a crocodile ruined the whole show.  What a jerk.  Of course, what was thought to be the big one turned out to be the mate of the big one.  The ensuing battle was something that I’m sure their scantily-clad Bard will compose great songs about.

As a reward for their victory, Marcus was given the opportunity to marry the Chiefs eldest daughter. The catch was, by Redmark standards, she was less then becoming. So now Marcus has to make a decision. Accept the offer and marry not for love or politely reject and potentially anger the chief.

Katarina ‘The Claw’

March 7-16, Third Age 1331

March 7

Kat’s Claw

It is an auspicious day that begins with the heroes boarding Kat’s Claw—the ship loaned to the group by Lady Anna of Stonehelm.

The Ship is so named for the captain of this sleek vessel: the extremely hot Katarina. She’s no ordinary, beauty, however. She comes from the famed sailing-people of Oscarria. What’s more, she’s known as The Claw, because she carries at least a dozen daggers and seems to know how to use them—as the scars on her near-perfect face attest.

It is only natural that Quintos and Ghost Dancer, upon seeing Kat, immediately bet on who will win her affections.

The Parcel

Before the ship leaves port to find the Island of the Buffalo, a messenger delivers a parcel for Ghost Dancer. It’s a message from Zelni, the circus lady. It warns of Mezkal, a fellow explorer who seeks a fountain of eternal life on the same island our heroes are trying to find. He is a man of questionable character. Thus warned, the heroes take to the sea.

Zelni, the Circus Girl

A Bad Start for Quintos

Ghost Dancer takes the early lead in the battle for Kat’s affections. He asks her about her homeland and then he tells her of his people and his mission to find the buffalo. Quintos jokes that Ghost will mate with the buffalo to make a Centaur-like creature: the Buf-ar.

From there, Quintos engages Kat in a deep, complex philosophical debate. Her eyes glaze over. Then her eyes wander to the handsome loincloth of Ghost Dancer. Ghost literally, not metaphorically, gives Kat his tomahawk.

March 9

The Eagle Has Landed

Two days into the journey, Marcus and Quintos get permission to celebrate Feriae Marti, a sacred Roman holiday and militaristic dance ritual that honors Mars, brings the renewal of Rome, and opens the Season of War. At the conclusion of the celebration, Marcus seeks an augury.

His faith and devotion are rewarded with an amazing sight. An eagle flies from the west and lands on the mast of the ship. It peers into the souls of Marcus and Quintos, and Marcus feels that this is an actual incarnation of a god. The eagle then flies directly east. Marcus is able to interpret the sign: During the Season of War, the group’s destiny lies to the east.

Never Bet against an Unseen Servant

Drinking and gambling ensue. Marcus, Quintos, and Ghost Dancer gamble with Kat and some of her crew. Unknown to everyone but Marcus, Quintos deploys his unseen servant to make sure the dice roll favorably for him. He splits the gold he won with the group.

March 10

Let the Games Begin

The next day, when the wind dies and ship stalls, Kat calls for a triathlon of games to see who shall be the best of the best. There will be three events: swimming, holding breath under water, and wrestling. The prize? A sloppy, prolonged smooch from Kat herself.

Swimming

Ghost Dancer surprises everyone and speeds ahead. Marcus and Quintos are not far behind. The three heroes shame the entire crew of sailors. So, the only question is, who will win among the heroes?

Things get a bit unpredictable as the competitive heroes strive to win. Quintos deploys his unseen servant again to propel him through the water. Then, when it is obvious that Ghost Dancer is pulling away, Quintos casts Hex on him. Despite that, Ghost fights through the disadvantages and wins. Quintos places second. Marcus third.

Holding Breath Underwater

Who can hold their breath under water the longest? Wonder no more. It’s Ghost Dancer. Despite exhausting himself and nearly passing out, he endures the trial to win again, with Quintos in second, and a crew member in third.

Wrestling

Marcus kung-fu’s the crap out of Ghost Dancer. (Damn Roman warriors.) But then, Ghost wins against the crew member he wrestles against, guaranteeing him a point and the overall victory. Marcus then defeats Quintos to win the event and show that you shouldn’t mess with a Roman warrior-priest. Even one who always gets knocked unconscious in battle.

Tie Breaker

Marcus and Quintos must break the tie for second place. To do so they must tell the most compelling, entertaining story. They both tell great stories, but Quintos wins the day with a tale of Hashar at Bone Hill and his banishment to Bugbear Hell.

The Tables Are Turned

Ghost Dancer proudly takes the podium of victory and relishes his long, gooey kiss with Kat.

For winning second place, Quintos earns a hug from Kat. But then, during his hug, he spends an inspiration and makes a skill check. We discover that this was a legendary hug that makes Kat swoon, and suddenly, she is interested in Quintos!

Quintos’s two wingmen, Ghost and Marcus are getting a little pissed about always watching him score the chicks. Stan, therefore, rules that there should now be regulations governing how many babes a PC can “attune” to. Attunement for Women, Stan calls it. Out of game, Chris declares that it sounds like a perfume: Attunement for Women…by Calvin Klein.

March 16

I Scry with My Little Eye

Kat’s Claw arrives at the destination island. Only, there is a perpetual storm surrounding the island, and the island itself seems to only be two miles wide.

Quintos uses his crystal ball to scry and see the man called Mezkal. Sure enough, Quintos sees in the crystal ball the back of the man. He appears to be on a beached ship in one of the cabins flipping through pages of a journal. When he turns around, Quintos sees that the man is one of the living dead. With the crystal ball, Quintos is able get Mezkal to read aloud the pages of his journal. The grumbling zombie reads aloud and holds up the journal so that Quintos can read along with him.

The Tale of Mezkal

On the south side of the island, Mezkal found a perpetual vortex. Following a hunch, and despite a mutiny, he sailed into the vortex and arrived on another plane where they find the mythical island of Vridensia, 100 miles wide.

There, they found villages and a giant wall projecting the villages from…something big. Mezkal, against the villagers’ advice, traveled beyond the wall hunting for the well of eternal life. Along the way, they heard of cities with legendary riches in the interior of the island.

At last, they found the well. They drank from it, then filled barrels with the magical water, brought it back to their ship, and sailed back through the vortex. Back in their plane, the captain and two of his advisors kill the rest of the crew so they’ll have more money for themselves—temporarily forgetting, perhaps, that their crewmates all have eternal life. Strangely, though, they die. But not for long.

The well that grants eternal life does so by bringing back the recently deceased as undead abominations. The dead crew, now zombie-things, attack the captain and his conspirators, killing them and making them undead, too. Now, they are locked in an endless battle of vengeance and violence.

Through the Vortex

After hearing the tale of Mezkal from Quintos, Kat and her crew agree to sail through the vortex. They find it exactly where the journal said it would be, and plunge into it.

Kat the Claw, with some spiritual guidance from Marcus and bardic inspiration from Ghost Dancer, steadies the ship, avoids a giant sea serpent, and navigates successfully through the vortex into another plane—and they arrive at Vridensia!

Kat gets a Nat 20 on her piloting roll!

As they set anchor to rest for the night, Marcus helps Ghost Dancer compose a new song to honor Captain Kat. They call it: Cat’s in the Cradle. Meanwhile, Quintos gloats in his soon-to-be conquest of Kat.

LOOT REPORT

7 gp earned by gambling for Quintos, Marcus, and Ghost

March 3-6, Third Age 1331

Lady Annie

Some time passes as the heroes craft, do religious research, and carouse. Quintos makes his way to a party of nobles in Stonehelm and ends up accepting the challenge of Lady Anwendolin (or ‘Annie’) to avenge the theft of her prized horse.

Lady Annie was sister to King Corwyn’s wife, so doing a favor for the king’s sister-in-law seemed a good thing to do. All involved were sure it was all out of political posturing; it had nothing to do with Lady Annie’s charm and beauty.

Bori, A.K.A. The ‘Blade’, was last seen riding into the badlands to the west. He was said to be in disguise using the alias of a horse trader, of average height, lean and lanky, with black hair and black beady eyes. Lady Annie offered a reward of 50 gp for information leading to his capture, or 25 gp for proof of his death.

The heroes captured Bori and won back the horse. In appreciation, Lady Annie gave the heroes long-term use of a boat captained by a female captain of Osskaria of Greek descent

“Boy, bring me more wine!” “Boy, bring me more mutton chops!” If I heard that once I heard it a thousand times. I didn’t know my father, and my mother died in childbirth, god rest her soul. I’m told she worked in the kitchens, and evidently I was born to spend my life replacing her in the kitchens. Still, it could have been worse. There were many children in Dorn who were much worse off than me, begging in the streets, down by the docks hoping for fish from one of the fishing boats. Or worse yet.

And I was never beaten. Other kitchen boys were beaten, but never me. The ladies said the Duke had ordered that I should never be beaten. I wonder why. Some said that it was because I looked like his son, Leopold. A LOT like Leopold. Some snickered, but I didn’t catch why at the time. All I know is that I didn’t walk around with the bruises that the other kitchen boys and girls did.

But I’d rather have been beaten, to tell the truth. The Duchess Catherine was especially mean to me. She went out of her way to have me do the filthiest tasks, the hardest tasks, the longest tasks. No one would ever explain why she was so mean. And her son Leopold was a spineless dandy. He enjoyed being mean also, took after his mother. That treatment got me some sympathy with the other kitchen workers.

Then one day, about a year ago, the Orcs came. They were said to be raiding up and down the coast, looking for some sort of stone. I didn’t care. It upset my routine and made everyone on edge. By now, at 18, I was a man, but everyone still called me Boy. I sure didn’t like that. I remember Leopold dressing in armor, with a sword in hand, and I thought that he was just asking to be killed. He wasn’t a fighter, not like me. He had all these notions about honor, and chivalry, where as the kitchens and the castle ruffians had taught me that the winner got to say he was honorable. So win any way you could, and tell everyone later that you were honorable. Since the other guy wouldn’t be around to dispute it, who would know.

Leopold would sometimes train in sword fighting with me, since we were the same height and build. One time I made the mistake of winning, and he flew into a rage. I cleaned the latrines for a week. I never won again. That made Leopold very happy.

When Duke Archibald’s men rode out to meet the Orc Sea Raiders, the castle was too quiet. We waited and waited, hoping for some good news. Good news never arrived. Duke Archibald had been slain on the beach attacking the Orc Raiders, and what forces were left went flying back to Dorn Castle to try to withstand a seige by the Orcs. Leopold rode into the castle square, tears streaming down his face, and loudly proclaimed that his father was dead and that he was the new lord of the castle. How sad. At that moment, he needed to rally his people, but instead he felt it necessary to proclaim his position and lord it over people. Some people, reading the tea leaves, decided they had no confidence in their new Duke Leopold, and quietly slipped the castle walls. Most said they would catch a boat to Stonehelm on the coast, that Dorn was lost. I stayed. I don’t know why.

Almost immediately the Orcs invested Dorn Castle. There were hundreds of Orcs, and only twenty fighting men left (most having died with their Duke on the beach). It took a week, with food running out, but on Monday night, around midnight, the Orcs battered through the main castle gate, and rushed into the castle grounds. Panic was everywhere. Most of the castle workers were cut down where they ran, as were most of the castle troops. But Duke Leopold was no where to be found. I thought to myself where would I go if I were Leopold. I quickly ran to the Duchess’ chambers, and sure enough, the two of them were barricaded in her main chamber. I rushed to them and asked if I could fight, could I help, and the Duchess spit out something about how she’d rather die then be helped by a bastard. Leopold held on to his mother’s robes, and the two of them braced for the Orcs as growls, grunts, and heavy footsteps got louder and louder.

I hid under a table in the anteroom, and saw it all. A troop of Orcs made it upstairs, quickly broke down the chamber door, pushed the barricade aside, and made quick work of the Duchess and Leopold. I must say that Leopold, in the end, acquitted himself quite well, and actually killed several Orcs before being cleeved in by the Orc troop leader. At that moment, and only that moment, I felt sorrow for him.

As Leopold fell, he did something so strange I will never forget. He took off his signet ring, his Ducal icon of authority, and rolled it under the bed. As the light went out from his eyes, as his face was on the floor, he moved his face and looked directly at me. And he winked. Then he passed.

The Orcs, having accomplished their task, and not finding me, left after tearing through the room and grabbing items of obvious value. A chest of gold and gems. A map on the Duchess’ nightstand that looked old. The Orcs seemed especially please with that. Then they left. I waited and waited. Then, when I was sure they were gone, I checked on Leopold. He was quite dead. So was his mother. I checked under the bed, and sure enough there was the signet ring. I grabbed it, and made a plan to use it to buy passage on a boat to Stonehelm. I made my way out of that funeral of a castle, slipping the walls in the middle of the night. I hid for several days in the warf building on the Dorn docks, until I was sure that the Orcs had picked up and sailed off. When I was sure, I came out, and found a village, Dorn, stunned by what had just happened.

Leaderless, no one knew what to do. I did. I immediately went to a boat, and inquired as to passage. The boat was near full, and I approached it with cloak on from the castle, and showed the boatmaster the signet ring. At once he seemed shocked, and several in the boat hustled me lower. One women called me “My Lord”. Another said they thought it was me, that they hadn’t seen me die, and that they were glad that I fled. Another said it was important to keep the Caravelle bloodline going, that it had ruled Dorn for 1300 years. I didn’t understand. The boat master said it was okay My Lord, I must be in shock. Then he said, and I’ll never forget, “Duke Leopold, we must get you to safety.” At that moment, I ceased to be Reginald Ferme le Bouche, and became someone else. I said “Right you are boatmaster, lets proceed with all haste to Stonehelm. But I, your Duke, promise to return one day, to retake Dorn and restore the Caravelle name.” And one day soon, I shall.

Duke Leopold of Dorn