Tabletop RPG Podcast and Roleplaying Resources

Day: August 10, 2017

Redmark Session 20: The Wrath of Jabbanana

March 18-20, Third Age 1331

March 18

Marcus Almost Becomes Mr. Jabbanana

When last we left our heroes, Marcus had been offered Chief Dugabungaloo’s daughter, Jabbanana. Now, all eyes are on Marcus as the tribe awaits his decision. Jabbanana’s enormous belly quivers in anticipation. Marcus kneels before the king of the island and delivers a speech that convinces the King that the greatest honor he could give Marcus is to learn more about the culture’s deities. The King is perplexed, but not offended. Jabbanana stomps off angry and insulted, but everyone else throws a luau for the heroes who dispatched the giant crocodiles that had been eating all the pearl divers.

Wanna Nana…Hubba, Hubba!

Wannamona

Wannamona

Jabbanana’s sister, the much-demeaned servant girl Wannamona , considered wretchedly ugly by her culture, is smokin’ hot in the heroes’ culture. Immediately Quintos bets Ghost he’ll “attune” to her first.

Ghost [protesting]: “But you’re already attuned to three women.”

Quintos [grinning]: “Hey. We’re on another plane.”

Meanwhile, Wannamona quietly warns Marcus that her sister Jabbanana is a dangerous foe.

Wannamona [in a fearful whisper]: “Jabbanana is at her most powerful after midnight.”

Marcus [in terrified disbelief]: “You mean she gets bigger?”

Marcus then invites Wannamona to escape with the heroes on the morrow. Afterwards, Marcus hears from the tribal elders about the legend of the two-headed eagle.

Leomund’s Tiny Hut

Ghost conjures his tiny hut (remember, it’s not the size of one’s hut…), and the intrepid adventurers take watches, anticipating an encounter with a hideous, lycanthropic Jabbanana. All the adventurers except one: Quintos, who spends the evening debauching himself with hot twins. (The horrifying howls of Quintos and the babes our heroes shall not soon forget.) But Jabbanana does not appear.

March 19

Human Trafficking…But in a Good Way

Wannamona approaches Marcus in the morning. She wants to run away with the heroes to get away from Jabbanana. Ghost Dancer turns Wanna invisible, and they smuggle her out to Kat’s Claw. They sail away toward the village by the famed giant wall—a 3-day journey. Marcus and Ghost Dancer keep Wannamona away from woman-stealing Quintos. They spend the hours “teaching her Common.” She’s a hot—er, smart—pupil.

Scry, Scry Again

Quintos scries Jabbanana. He sees her in an outrigger canoe with 4 warriors paddling in chase to get Wanna Nana back. Quintos tries to suggest something to her, but she detects his magic, stares into the scrying eye, and zaps Quintos, ending the scry and causing some damage to Quintos.

March 20

Kat’s Claw sails into a heavy mist. The ship slows. Lundie and Quintos’s Owl hear a woman crying for help. It sounds like the Mermaids who befriended the heroes a few days earlier! The adventurers hurry to rescue their topless, scaly friends, but alas, it is not the Mermaids, but Jabbanana! She has set a trap!

Hideous Jabbanana and her spider-beast friends attack. Jabbanana launches a wall of fire at the heroes, burning them—even Ghost who is flying 20 feet above the battle. From there, it’s a mayhem of swords and spells. Ivamel kindly absorbs much damage on behalf of the group. Lundie wields his holy hammer. Marcus does some crazy Roman stuff. Quintos makes out with Jabbanana. (Wait. Sorry. That didn’t happen.) Quintos rains his sorceries down upon Nana and the Spiders. The so-called Duke of Dorn, or “Dookie” as we call him, started singing David Bowie songs about spiders. Then he stealthily backstabbed an enemy before fooling Jabbanana into thinking that he was her father. The distraction was enough for the heroes’ combined powers to win the day and defeat the foul enemies.

Loot Report

No loot plundered or received.

Redmark Session 19: A Dalliance With Mermaids

March 17, Third Age 1331

March 17

Having safely navigated the unnatural vortex to the very mysteriously alien world that purportedly holds the Fountain of Immortal Life, party and crew have an encounter like something straight out of The Iliad.  Gloriously beautiful mermaids.  Well… If you’re into half fish women, they were gloriously beautiful.  But if that’s not your thing, dear reader, they were just some rather “fishy” women.

LanalakanaThese mermaids, who were especially friendly, much to the rejoicing of a particular first mate, seem to have been led by a redheaded one named Lanalakana.  After a brief but interesting dialogue with said mermaid a quest was given.  Or rather a difficult situation a nearby village was facing was mentioned and the party, being the heroic individuals they are, made it a quest.  And who could blame them.  If you had the chance to impress a beautiful redheaded water tart, wouldn’t you take it?  Just imagine the plethora of possibilities in that mutually beneficial relationship.  So off they set.

LanalakanaNow for your typical party of heroes arriving to save the day, in and of itself, is enough. But for this group… Well they prefer to do things in a much more grandiose fashion. I mean, was there a rowboat?  Yes.  But how boring would that have been?  Instead, like some kind of group of freaking Rockstar gods, they chose to disembark and walk across the surface of the ocean with thunderous booms echoing from each passing step. And it was extremely impressive. I’m talking slow motion walk, jaws dropping, and the whole nine yards,  Right up until a gigantic monster of a crocodile ruined the whole show.  What a jerk.  Of course, what was thought to be the big one turned out to be the mate of the big one.  The ensuing battle was something that I’m sure their scantily-clad Bard will compose great songs about.

As a reward for their victory, Marcus was given the opportunity to marry the Chiefs eldest daughter. The catch was, by Redmark standards, she was less then becoming. So now Marcus has to make a decision. Accept the offer and marry not for love or politely reject and potentially anger the chief.

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